Planes

Say there. I want fat kids next to me on the plane.
Fat, fat, little children.
Planes are chilly, fat kids are warm. Also, they tend to pass right out without saying much. Best of all, I'll look to any number of stewardess like a guy who doesn't mind a bunch of fat stranger children around him. This is good. Stewardess like that. They're drifters, they just want a guy who can plant a few roots. Got fat kids you want to get somewhere you're not? My e-mail's on the bottom of the page. I will not actually read the e-mail as I'm not going anywhere, but knowing you and your fat children are out there is nice. I know the post directly after this one is entitled "Think of the children in leather", but not to worry, that's just harmless irony.

The stewardessy line of thinking got me to wondering just how much of modern society is structured around impressing stewardess. Turns out it's a lot. There's the obvious stuff -- barf bags, noise hair clippers, those fake balls they sew into your scrotum if you lose a testicle through mishap or horseplay-- all stuff guys would just let go if there were no cute chicks in starchy outfits to impress, but upon closer inspection there's a deeper level which reveals itself. The planes themselves, for example. Boats are a fine way to get somewhere, and fast enough for most places given the general warmth and manners of most foreigners, but the drawn-out nature of a boat trip doesn't really lend itself to fast cheap sex with a waitress in a small toilet. Same for trains. No, planes, like gin, muscle relaxants, and those little stabby things people use to hold cobs of corn clearly evolved out of the basic need to have sex with a waitress and disappear quickly. If the goal were travel, as is the conceit of the airline industry, planes would get to places on a time table based the Earth's rotation around the sun, rather than Jupiter's, as is the case now.

Cell phones can also be traced using the stewardess theory of design. Man invented the cell phone... we know this because cell phones where perfectly good ten years ago and we're still designing them. How far have baby bottles come in the centuries since they were first developed? In the late 1950s they became plastic because it was safer. Baby bottles quit being designed once they could reliably squirt milk and not shatter the bones in your foot if you picked up a wet one. Clearly the work of women. Cell phones, by comparison, have been so designed that by now they're pretty much useless. Try and use a ten year old cell phone with one hand. Now try a modern one -- see? Too small. You actually need two hands to work it open. Small and loaded with flashy stuff which looks cool but never works. What is a modern cell phone for? To sit on that tiny flip out tray and get a stewardess to bend down and check out the 100 X 80 pixels of that puppy wearing the funny hat you have on there from Cute Overload. She will have to get very close to make out anything, possibly within four inches of your crotch.

Anyway, cell phones can't fight off the AC chill, which is why I opt for fat children. No part of the animal should be wasted. Even asleep they pump out enough BTUs so that you won't have to actually touch anything, which is good because they're always sticky.

I'll explain the stabby corn holders and muscle relaxants thing when you're older.