... as I was saying

Small things I've discovered in my absence:

--If you're going out for a while, say a weekend, take the time to toss a couple of those cheap pet store turtles into the clothes dryer and set it to a long running cycle with medium heat. The thudding noises keep burglars away, and when you come home the house smells delicious.

--The people who carry a lot of electronic gadgets to talk to other people tend to have the absolute least to say. The people with the most interesting things to say tend to be in tiny windowless rooms you can't get officials to admit even exist. Neither group knows what ginger ale's actual flavor is meant to be.

--If you leave an old couch outside your apartment for a short bit, eventually you'll meet a libertarian candidate for the 2008 presidency. Getting them to leave the couch will be an uphill effort. The chances they'll be wearing Zubaz are about about one in four.

--Chimps share 99.4% of their DNA with humans. Think about that: 99.4%.

The atom bomb, the McGriddle, and paying attention to Ann Coulter as something besides potential food exist solely in that other .6 percent of our DNA. Point six.