dong resin vs. Altoids cinnamon chewing gum

Hey wow, look, gum packaged in a 19th century lookn' tin. It's even got a kind of Dickensian and windy bit of ad copy, just like all the shit used to. "The Original Celebrated Curiously Strong." The lack of punctuation really sells it to me. It's gum tablets, huh. In a tin. Not cardboard, but metal. That's hot. I buy a $1500 laptop and it arrives on my door in fucking damp cardboard, but the breath gum is showing up wearing a full suit of armor. Bitchn'. Must be some serious gum. It's also twice as expensive as the other gum, but it does come in that cool tin that makes me feel like Ishmael gearing up for the Pequod, so what the hell. I've got $2 to spend on gum. Thank god I stiffed that salvation army bullshit outside the store, or I'd never be able to buy this. Cool, okay, peel off the plastic.. plastic is kind of a downer, takes away from the antiquity deal. I'd sort of expect the odd piece to have gum weevils or whatever since stuff always used to show up with weevils in it before they discovered that weevils are allergic to plastic, but whatever. Okay. Little tablets. I'd better grab six or seven, I want to see what the fuss is about. I know it's supposed to be strong, but so's the coffee in Starbucks and that pussy-ass hot sauce with the dead guy wincing on the label, so there's probably a little wiggle room with regards to what's "strong", here. Fucking American public is all soft and fat these days, so even the gum wearing the metal plating should be no big deal to an espresso drinker like myself.

Oh god...
Gaaaaah! Gatha gatha tha! Gaaaaaaaaaaa!
Shit, did I say that out loud? Great, now people are looking at me. I can't feel anything below my nose. I think I'm drooling. Yep, all down the shirt. Shit. fucking gum. Jesus, is this strong. Tastes like straight-up whiskey. God, it's getting stronger as it breaks up. Gauh! Why? Why would they even make gum like this? Who the fuck is this for, cannibals? "That missionary was tasty and all, but now me have stubborn ass-breath." "Me have just the thing for that." Who the hell is buying the whiskey gum? "Oh, I love my Henry so much. 40 years of me yammering on to him about my problems and all he does is sit there and wince and chew gum. Even when he lost his arm at the tin can plant he works in, all he asked for was some gum. He's a rock." Why is this in the candy isle? If I saw this in a child's hands I'd slap it away from them like it was a cobra.

Gaaaah! I'm fucking dizzy. I think I'm going to pass out. I think I'm passing out. I'm passing out.
Is that Jim Morrison?!
"Ride the red snake, son. Ride it to the other side of time."
Shut up, Jim. Your pants smell. Go change your pants.

Help me. Why am I stuffing more of this Satan into my mouth? Stop! I can't. I keep fucking doing it. My tongue feels like I used it to exfoliate Florence Joyner's feet. Thaaath.

"Altoids." What kind of a name is "Altoids?" Not even a word. Sounds like "alkaloid." Shit, cocaine is an alkaloid. Think I just figured it out. I just bought nine tins of this shit. I just spent $40 on fucking Colombian breath gum.
"It's a small price to pay to see each thread in the tapestry that is the universe."
Shut up Jim, you've been dead for 30 years and you're still fat.