dong resin vs. the very modern toilet

Finally, at long last a restaurant with a toilet modern enough for me to take a dump into it. I've been holding it in since birth waiting for technology to snap to and create a shitter that lives up to my exacting high shitter standards. Stephen Hawking's throne isn't this nuts. Why the hell does this thing have a red LED light on it? What possible feedback do I need from a toilet? Of all the major home appliances to hear from, The Can is right at the motherfucking bottom of my list.

*Whooooosh!*

Aw shit, it's one of these. Okay, let it finish, then-

*Bah-whooooosh!*

Woah. Did I make it flush twice? I didn't move.
That's some flush. Like a jetski in a koi pond. Why make the flush so powerful? What the fuck do people here eat ?
" Yes, I'll have the innards of six Baby Ruths, some olestra, two wheels of cheddar, and the small bag of hair, please."

*Hiss!*

It's angry. I think it's angry. Looks angry. I shouldn't have mocked it. Do they make telepathic toilets? Probably. Damn Japanese. I know this is a Japan thing. Japan has way too much free time.

*Gurggle-hiss!*

Okay, it's settling down. Kind of a shallow bowl. Stupid. I guess a deep bowl wouldn't scream "THE FUTURE." It's very important that this toilet send a clear message to all the lesser, punk-ass restaurants on the block. You want to shit like it's ten years from tomorrow? Of course you do.

Shallow bowl. I hang my scrotum over that thing and it flushes, it'll suck my ass to Australia like one of those paper seat guards.
I'm not sure ass-first with cheeks akimbo is the best way to arrive in Australia.

*Bah-whooooosh!*

Whu-?
Why are the ones in the other stalls flushing? I'm the only human in here. They can't communicate, can they?

*Bah-whooooosh!*
*Bah-whooooosh!*
*Bah-whooooosh!*

Jesus. Hyenas do this... one hangs out near a watering hole, waits for a weak prey to show up and then it calls out to the pack.

*Gurggle-hiss!*

Okay, it's flushed. I guess it's timed or something. Try to shit quickly.
I feel weird showing my ass to this thing. I don- shit, the light's blinking! Jump up! Abort! Abort!

*Bah-whooooosh!*

I can not motherfucking believe the suction on this thing. I felt that on my ass hairs. I barely escaped. I'm on this thing when it flushes it'll suck out my innards like a fat kid with a juice box. Didn't that happen on airplanes in the 70s? The stewardess finally opens the bathroom door at the end of the flight and there's nothing left but a pair of sneakers and a pen.

*Gurggle-hiss!*

I must be triggering that, somehow. The light is probably one of those motion detectors. Try to sit down out of it's path. Why do they put that right there? Hard to avoid. Looks like HAL 9000. Did we really need an electric eye right over the crapper? Yeah, those small simple flush levers were a real hassle.
No cure for cancer, no flying cars, but they got the toilet thing to George Lucas level toot sweet.
Okay.
We have ass to bowl contact.
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
Heh. Comedy gold. I'm blogging that line later.

*Sigh*

Was that me?
Did my ass just sigh?
Can asses sigh?

*Siiiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhh*

Oh shit.
Abort! Up! Get up, damn you!

*Bah-whooooosh!*

I don't have time for this.
Fuck it. I'm going to just go. if I get wet, so be it.

Now I can't.

Distract yourself.

That Celine Dion perfume... that's like 45 bucks for a tiny bottle. "Celine Dion" is just a name, right? I mean, they don't like, harvest that, do they? Shit, for $45 a bottle I want genuine Celine Dion stuff in there. I want genuine Celine Sputum. Her head is kind of weird. Sort of oblong and loafy-
Ah, that did it. Here we go-

*Siiiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhh*

Shit! Faster! Shit faster!

*Bah-whooooosh!*

Awwwwwwwwwww man.
Splendid.

That's great. 50 gallons of public toilet water right up my exhaust port.
If I lean my head back, I can gurgle.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Hepatitis. Hepatitis A through Kid Rock.
Shit, I'll bet if I concentrate, I can figure out what the specials are.

Great, now it won't flush.
Must be tired, it's been at it all day.