Big deal

China's recent foray into space has been characterized as a grab at respectability, a desire to join Russia and the US at the grown up's table of the global Thanksgiving.

I say this was a big waste of time. China has a lot of better, more simple and lasting things they could do to be taken seriously as a nation than to unveil 1960's era technology like it's a big accomplishment, and so I present

Better things China could do to impress us :

• Act like a grown up and stop trying to punk out our president when we crash something over there. China, You know he's not a strong reader. Try to be the big country. Not cool, China. Not cool.


• Get your hospitals to actually treat people with AIDS instead of making believe that they're just on Atkins. Pretending a problem doesn't exist does nothing to stop it. Drew Barrymore keeps making movies, people keep getting AIDS. Open a clinic, you cowards. What are you, Montana?


• Cut the shit with the Tibetan activists. You know, if the US just whisked away citizens with a culture and religion we found challenging to a secure location, we'd nev... actually, let me get back to you on that.


• Not everything is food. Some of it can be pets, but not monkeys. If you're going to cuddle monkeys, which are filthy, just admit to it when a little virus like SARS escapes. That way, it can be contained. Most civilized nations have agreed that fewer dead Canadians is something of a goal. It's not their fault they're so trusting.


• Enough with the pandas. Until Mike Tyson is allowed to fight one, I don't want to hear any more about your damn pandas. They're not cute, they look like fat heroin addicts. Call the EIB, I hear they're into that kind of thing, and it looks like they may have an opening.


• This Draconian one-child policy thing... actually, I'm kind of on the bus with that one. Carry on.