Dumb tax

Amusing piece in the NYT by Joyce Purnick on creative ways to go about taxing New Yorkers.

Personally, I suspect New Yorkers are taxed enough. Florida, on the other hand, is drowning quick, what with the weight of a whole short bus pulling it beneath the surface like the small but not quite unconscious woman you beat to the final life ring clawing at your leg.

Hence, my taxation suggestions for the Sunshine State :

Any insect larger than your head
Anything that big with that many hands has to have some form of currency on it. It probably has real estate holdings and a mistress. Tax that fuck.

Any dipshit with an "interesting pet"
By interesting, I mean any sad cry for attention that's not a dog, cat, or bunny rabbit. Bunny rabbits are a pretty stupid pet too, but they get a pass because nobody takes them to the beach to try to get laid. I want people who try to make themselves interesting by harboring some stupid animal to pay extra for the privilege of being allowed to be that emotionally stunted and not be routinely hunted for sport.

Snakes, iguanas, pot bellied pigs, goats (it's Florida, it happens), Madagascar hissing cockroaches, roosters, tarantulas (you tarantula guys have to pay triple. Nobody just wakes up one morning and wants to cuddle a giant venomous spider. Any dude with a tarantula hasn't been laid since Hunter was on. The trainwreck that is your sex life is hard for the rest of us to watch, hence, you pay tripple), eels, ferrets, mongooses, a goddamn aquarium full of sharks... in fact, you shark guys don't even get a tax, you have to put up 2 homeless guys for every shark you've got. Look at it this way : you can use the sharks to get the bimbo who's impressed by that kind of thing home, and you can give the doggy bag of expensive food she ordered but was too insecure to eat to your new roomies. Everybody wins.

And by "dog", I mean a dog, not something that looks like Mr. Worf took a shit and decided to name it. Shih Tzus, Shar peis,.. anything I have to look up to spell properly, you fuckers have to pay the tax.

Wiggers
Any white kid who lives in a gated community but talks like Flavor Flav did when he was still on the rock has to pay $12,000 a year to the NAACP. $14,000 if he tries to intimidate people with it.

Any japanese import sedan with a Blue Book value of $1,600 that has $35,000 of aftermarket shit on it
This will wipe out the state deficit in eight days, with enough left over to buy Jeb Bush something to read that's not Highlights magazine.

Dead German tourists
Yeah, I know it seems sort of mean to exact a tax from the bereaved families of the freshly dead, but it's just too rich a source of revenue to pass up.
Besides, lets face it : a lot of these guys were asking for it. You wear shorts, birkenstocks and navy blue kneesocks, and then merrily yell "gueten tag!" to a bunch of homeboys, you're a little hard to feel sympathy for. Read a pamphlet on the flight next time, Luther.
I don't have a dollar amount for this one, but it should be high since this revenue stream will dry up pretty quick if one of these guys ever makes it back to Germany.