Apartment lint

I don't own a lot of stuff, having neither a sentimental nature or, well, cash, but some crap has managed to accumulate in the two years and change I've been in this, my soon to be ex-apartment.

Re-gifts. Okay, thanks for the perfunctory thought. Really. Very kind. You know, Ray Charles can spot a re-gift in an unopened box on the bottom of the Atlantic. The re-gift buck is stopping here. Lord knows how many unthankful people this knock-off Tamagotchi keychain has passed through, cheapening relationships left and right and foretelling devalued status and break ups like a little Korean Macbeth witch before landing here, but it's going to the goddamn Goodwill where such evil belongs.

Cables. I don't remember how many cables the standard computer printer actually ships with, but I do know that you must get at least two of however many genders the species has, and they arrive out of the box greased up, drunk, and hornier than R. Kelly in a Mcdonald's Playland ballpit. I feel like I'm supposed to be stealing the lost Ark of the Covenant, here. Not even Goodwill will suffer this nonsense.
Dumpster behind Wendy's, 3 am.

Gift mugs. Yes, I know it's my fault for making such a big deal out of enjoying coffee, but really, think it over for a moment... given that I do enjoy coffee so much, aren't coffee mugs the thing I'm most likely to already have enough of on my own?
Also, I can't tell if the rich humor of Mathew Perry or bowls becoming acceptable as a drinking apparatus was the worst thing to come out of the popularity of Friends, but they're a complete bitch to use and store in a small apartment with shallow cupboards. Goodwill.

Cans. Haggis? Jesus. I don't even remember buying that. Canned bread? They make that? Whoa...1965.
Gah, what's this mucus stuff, pie filling? Looks like afterbirth. Must have bought that in the same place as the haggis. Don't think even Goodwill will take this. Gifts for the lucky new people.

500 dead roach exoskeletons. That came with the place, so shall it stay. I'm not here to re-organize the joint. Maybe they're necessary, I don't claim to understand feng shui.

Big fuzzy speakers. Well, they work okay if you don't crank them. Sorta. If you jiggle the terminal in back. Also, I think the left one was never in phase, really, but it's hard to tell becu-
Fuck it, Goodwill.

Swimfins. Useless, but kind of pricey.
Hmm... re-gift.