Fear 2 peer

This month's Wired magazine has a handy list of the insidious viruses the RIAA is planing to unleash upon the P2P networks with descriptions of the intended effects . There were a few notable omissions that I'll provide for you here.

Folgers : All Java code on your machine will be instantly rendered useless, weak and vile, except to your mother, once again bringing up the uncomfortable question as to whether you were adopted.
Cran : Suddenly, every food product you once liked will be infused with cranberries, or it's closest match, a dead monkey's nutsack.
Infinity Mouthfart : Sends Kevin Costner directly to your house to discuss his ideas about himself.
Sag : Overwrites all of your porn files with pictures of Andy Rooney's neck.
Weezie : Generates Isabel Sanford-based erotic fanfiction, distributes it along with your DMV photo to the web.
Orin Hatch : After infection, you will be able to do little besides lay about being warm, brown and attractive to flies.
Mandingo : Once introduced into your computer, shacks your mom up with the black man your dad always knew she really wanted.
HereIType : Finds your Friendster profile, uses it to try to hook up with Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers on your unknowing behalf.

They're not kidding around anymore, people.
Please... be careful out there.