Sunday · Mar. 29
Public Leaking
Q: What is the title of your presentation to the G20?
A:
Will You Look At Me When I'm Talking To You Listen I Know Things Are A Little Shaky Right Now But Are You Seriously Texting Right In The Middle Of My Speech Holy Shit Argentina I Swear To God I'll Smack That Mouth Of Yours If You Don't Put That Cell Thing Away Until I'm Done Talking To You France Hold Me Down So I Don't Go To Jail For What Argentina Is Making Me Do To It France France France C'mere France France Don't You Make That Face At Me France One Word France Nazis Yes Again Yes Still Yes We Know It's 2009 It Was Weak France Real Weak Well Stop Making Me Bring It Up And Help Me When I Ask Look You Made Me Make Germany Cry No I Am Not Out Of Control You're Out Of Control What What What What'd You Say Russia Oh Fuck Off Russia We're Still So Far Ahead Of You Listen Russia It'll Take The Light From Fucked 200,000,000 Years Just To Reach The Least Fucked Of You And You'll Miss It Because You'll Still Be On Line For One Roll Of Toilet Paper Yeah Maybe We Did Break The Word's Banks But At Least We Know Where Our Nukes Are Okay Russia Oh Don't Give Me That Sidelong Glance Japan It Wasn't A Threat You Know What Japan Fuck You Japan Go Make Us A Sandwich Yes Now Yes In Front Of Everyone Look Stop Crying Japan You're Worse Than Canada Yeah We Know What You've Been Saying Canada And Frankly We've Been Thinking We Need A Little Space Because Frankly It's Been A Long Time Together And We've Had It With All The Attitude You Know What Canada You Make Syrup And Lesbians Canada Okay You're Basically Vermont And We've Already Got One Of Those And We're Pretty Close To Kicking It To The Curb And Frankly We're A Little Over Your Bullshit Don't Think We're Not Noticing How Hot Mexico Is Yeah That's Right What's Up Baby What's That Well Yeah We Had A Few Drinks On The Way Down We Had To Take The Edge Off A Little But We're Cool We Can Still Drive What The Keys You Want The Keys Fuck off China You Can't Have Our Keys Oh You You're Saying You Have Our Keys Well Okay Just Drop Us Off China China China Hey China Lookit Me China Goddamn you Don't You Walk Off Ch-
posted: March 29, 2009, 02:09 PM>> link to
Public Leaking
Wednesday · Nov. 05
Off the bat
I like that his first deal as our leader was to shitcan the celebratory fireworks because the nation is such a mess. That's hardcore nerdy. That's the driving instructor who checks you off points for playing with the radio during your test. I like that in a president, it's the exact polar opposite of jumping in front of a "mission accomplished" banner in a cock-enhancing flight suit.
posted: November 05, 2008, 04:25 AM>> link to
Off the bat
No.44
When Obama speaks, I buy it. Which is to say, I genuinely believe that he believes what he's saying, that his intentions are exactly as he states them, and that he has at least the tenacity to drive his will through the political machine. Never felt that way about any politician before, ever, not even slightly. If he fails, if Barack Obama is a bad president, so be it; at least he made me believe that American people actually still have a collective will, and a functioning enough political system to enact that will. I flat out didn't believe that 12 hours ago, did you?
I have nothing snarky or shitty to say at this moment.
Wait, yes I do: shut the fuck up, Oprah. I'm pretty sure he'd have won without the 12 obese hausfraus you still manage to boss around. 20 minute rambling self-congratulatory interview about how Chicago is her town and she knew they'd do the right thing for her because some news twit waved a microphone at her head. Last time I saw something that large black and dense it was killing Maximilian Schell in a Disney movie.
But yeah, Obama. It's Morning In America. For real this time.
posted: November 05, 2008, 04:04 AM>> link to
No.44
Sunday · Jun. 17
Dawn of the bread
Does bread know that it is bread? Or does it long to be wheat? At which point does it become toast? Is the moisture which escapes when you toast it the soul of the bread leaving dead toast behind?
Is the smell of toast in the kitchen a haunting by the long since bread?
posted: June 17, 2007, 10:25 PM>> link to
Dawn of the bread
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'------' "I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers." -William H. Gascoyne The Omni magazine cover gallery.
Just think, in the early 90s you could get Omni, Wired when it was good, and Mondo 2000. You could avoid talking to other human beings, or at least ones not on drugs, for a solid week at least.
One Velociraptor per Child
We want the child to interact with the velociraptor on as deep a level as he or she desires. Children train the dinosaur, not the other way around.
for Halloween: Crevices, one of my favorite episodes of Dark Tales of Japan. YouTube vid: Batman - Day from Hell. Better than yer average net-skit ha-has.
"I love a picnic-- it's so easy; like disposing of a dead body, all you need is cutlery and a blanket."
Miranda Hart. She funny. "You made your name as a science-fiction writer, but in your last two novels you've moved squarely into the present. Have you lost interest in the future?"
" It has to do with the nature of the present. If one had gone to talk to a publisher in 1977 with a scenario for a science-fiction novel that was in effect the scenario for the year 2007, nobody would buy anything like it. It's too complex, with too many huge sci-fi tropes: global warming; the lethal, sexually transmitted immune-system disease; the United States, attacked by crazy terrorists, invading the wrong country. Any one of these would have been more than adequate for a science-fiction novel. But if you suggested doing them all and presenting that as an imaginary future, they'd not only show you the door, they'd probably call security."
William Gibson Rubbermaid Samurai
Samurai costume completely made from Rubbermaid 32 gal. garbage cans and rubber stoppers.
Vaya con Dios, Batboy.  The mutantrumpet, signature instrument created by the mighty Ben Neill, whose experimental, occasionally drum and bass style-scapes rule, and can be found for pennies used on amazon these days.
I don't like Genesis, I don't like Linkin Park, but somehow mashed together they're brilliant. (.mp3)
I don't know what Phil Collins or Linkin Park are up to these days, but as their demographics drift closer together they should toss pride aside, join forces, and tour immediately.
Via Ben Double M, who seems to do this sort of thing a lot.
If you haven't, see Smokin' Aces immediately. Writer/director Joe Carnahan is a total genius. Jason Bateman's cameo alone makes it worth the trip.
I used to work in a place where the manager made up all these signs in a fit of anger that said "THINK!" on them, and one somehow ended up on the wall between the sink and the mirror in the employee bathroom.
About a week later someone wrote "THOAP" with a sharpie above the soap dispenser.
---pilfered from an individual I know only as canoeguide. If this doesn't harden your nipples like they're arteries, you're either dead, or, redundantly, a vegetarian : Argentina On Two Steaks A Day --
"The classic beginner's mistake in Argentina is to neglect the first steak of the day. You will be tempted to just peck at it or even skip it altogether, rationalizing that you need to save yourself for the much larger steak later that night. But this is a false economy..."
It just goes on like that, until you want to find a baby calf and punch it in the face until dead and cook it for the sin of not being a steak yet. Having an idea is the best thing ever; it's like a pregnancy, but instead of blood you get coffee. I like the cover from Björk's upcoming album. I ate this for the first time.
I... don't feel good.
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